pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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