I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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