I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
