i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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