Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
