I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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