so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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