I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
