Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
