Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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