Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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