Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
