Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
