Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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