Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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