"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
