Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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