I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize