I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
