just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
