first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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