I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
