We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
