Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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