did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
