Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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