you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
