Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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