Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
