You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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