apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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