I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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