airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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