I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
