im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Two words: nipple clamps
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