Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize