When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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