I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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