the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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