I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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