omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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