I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
