I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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