I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
