also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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