I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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