I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
