there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
