Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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