White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
