True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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