We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
