Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
