I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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