8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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