i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
