Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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