someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
this is an emotional support booty call
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize