there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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