he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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