party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
