My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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