It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
