I feel great
I just peed on a car
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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