I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
